Suicide…. some people can’t even imagine what it’s like to debate and others can relate exactly what they’re thinking and going through. Why do some struggle with it and some couldn’t imagine ever thinking about it. Maybe if more would be open about their struggle instead of pretending their life is perfect then the numbers would be down. So with that being said… I struggle with thought of suicide. I have struggled since a teenager. I have struggled as a NON believer and a fully devoted believer. I can tell you 3 times in my life where I could picture exactly how to do it and it sounded better than living. The first was as a complete non-believer (I believed there was NO God), a drunk driver killed my sister and we were very close, my home life was a wreck, I had lost my grandpa who raised me 8 months prior, I had lost all hope and the pain seemed like it was going to be unbearable for the rest of my life. I became very depressed and thought about suicide almost everyday for 1 1/2 years. I was in counseling twice a week for about a year after. Because when we lost my grandpa I started taking my grandma to church, after 2 years I began to question if there really was a God. Mother Emily prayed a healing prayer over me and I began to uncontrollably cry and I couldn’t stop for about an hour. I felt like I had cried all that pain from my heart and I knew then there was a God. I would read random posts about God and random verses that were common and within 6 months I got pregnant with my daughter. It was impossible for me to have anymore children after my son and we had tried for 5 years and believed the doctors. We had separated for 6 months and then begin to hang out again and I found out. I literally became homeless, jobless, had a boyfriend, truck and 2 kids. Well I’ll just say it got a lot worse before it began to get better. I knew I had to keep this baby and it was a girl. Sure enough the day we found out it was a girl, I was in shock I couldn’t come up with a name. So one night I sat on the back porch and just began to talk to God and just knew there was. That night I named my daughter Faith Leeann, Faith is so I will never lose my faith in God. Leeann is my sisters middle name. Looking back God had been building my testimony. Becoming a devoted christian yes I still sometimes hit lows and question my purpose, question my strength in a struggle, but God has proven to me too many times in this life if I can just hold on he’ll fix it. If you have a breath you still have a purpose. My grandma served a purpose up to the time she took her last breath. She made sure it was everything she promised….peaceful. I’ve had good days and alot of bad ones too but I always know that if I give it to God to turn my mess into a message, my test into a testimony, it’s going to get better. And if you’re at the bottom the only way to start going is back up. There’s no amount of counseling that will fix it to where you never have another suicidal thought but there’s a God that is counting every tear trying to hold and comfort you. It’s the one “person” you’ll never be able to push away no matter how long or hard you try. Psalms 91:9-12= If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. 14- The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” Yes he talking to and about YOU!!!!!
inthiswalk 